How To Appreciate Your Hollow Self
by SeeminglyAngelic
Summary: After a spirit-crushing incident, was a first birthday party too much to ask for? Hichigo decides to write an instruction manual on how to properly spoil your hollow, and how to get back at a King. NO PAIRS
1. Introduction

**Disclaimer: I am not the owner, and I'm pretty sure that I'm not having an identity crisis.**

**AN: This one came out of nowhere, when I read this fic where Hichigo gets addicted to coffee, and I realized that he's only five months old.**

…**How to Appreciate Your Hollow Self; and How to Get Back at a Stingy, Selfish King…**

**By: **_IDon'tHaveANameIsThatAProblemPartner and SeeminglyAngelic_

* * *

**-I-**

…**Introduction…**

This all started with something very sad. Now, don't get all worked up, nobody was killed (unfortunately), there's no need to cry. Unless you're a sympathizing heart, who stops to consider the feelings of others. Basically, if you're that Matrix-Wannabe piece of scrap metal known as Zangetsu, or if you don't have a stupid hair color, and you have a talking stuffed animal (whom I will get one day…just wait…) in your bedroom, then this was directed at you.

You see, I realized something just the other day that tore my heart apart. Just for the sake of time, let's assume that I have one. It's called verbal abuse. All I did was try to remind the stupid King of something very important to me.

"Morning, _partner_," I said when the King woke up. I wasn't even saying it _that _sarcastically. You see, I'd just sent in my Vaizard application through the mail (Kon thinks he can control King's inner world, just because he's in this body? Ha!), and I was pretty sure that that Shinji Hirako was going to accept. So I wasn't trying to you know, take over and kill certain people who get on my nerves like, say, Ririn or Tessai. It was an honest good morning.

But _no_, the King with is sour self had to be rude.

"_What do you want_?" He snapped at me.

I really wanted to drag him into the inner world and kill him just for that. But, no. "Why don't you check your calendar? And then you tell me, partner."

"_You sound like a cowboy," _King said, still being bitter. Most people like to be kind to the people who save them on _multiple occasions. _"_And it's June thirtieth. Why?"_

Annoyed by his slowness, I pressed on. "Tell me what happened on June thirtieth last year."

"_I went with Mr. Hat-And-Clogs to train."_

"And…?"

"_And I went to the Soul Society."_

"And…?"

"_And I got my shinigami form back."_

He was really being stupid. Maybe it was on-purpose, so I decided to give it away. I have pity for the mentally challenged. "And your favorite person was _born_, on that day. It's a special someone's birthday."

King only scratched his head and wondered how I knew what a birthday was. And the guy was actually wondering who's birthday I meant!

"Someone _very_ important!"

"_Mom? No…. Orihime? Chad? Dad?..."_

By then, I was ready to smack somebody. And since Zangetsu was nowhere nearby for me to physically harass, I had to spell it out for old King. "ME! I'M ONE!" The bum only wondered where I learned to count. Not giving him the chance to say anything stupid, I added in a calmer tone. "But don't worry, partner, you don't have to buy me anything, as long as you decide to continue with my surprise party, even though I've figured it out."

"_Surprise party?" _King yelled, like I'd surprised him. Well, I hadn't seen him sending out any invitations, so it was only reasonable to assume that I was getting a surprise party. I mean, all the other Hollows got parties. Look at Nnorita and Szayel! Those two divas even threw a no-girls parade.

And then, before I could even respond, he busted out laughing, like it was the funniest thing he ever heard, and said something along the lines of 'no way in hell'.

I found that offensive.

So that was why I was inspired to write this handbook. You see, in these tragic times I turned one year old without a party. Next time I visited the hollow world, I had to hear Nnorita bragging about how Nel is not invited to his _next_ birthday. Turns out, even that big fat Menos Grande celebrate the day they came together. I'm just not appreciated.

You hear that, King? Next time Barette-Boy from Squad Six cuts you up, and I have to come outside, I'm going to pants you in front of everyone.

No Love,

(_I wish I could sign out, but I don't have a name. Hmm, wonder whose fault that is?)_


	2. Rule Number One

****

AN: I forgot to thank xFeedMePoisonedCandyx . for beta-ing this story. So, yeah, THANKS! **{And I don't have anything personal against Byakuya, it's jus that I was playing Blade of Fate, and he was such a prissy little snob in that game that I wanted to go, shave his head and make him cry.}**

* * *

**-II-**

**RULE NUMBER ONE: **_You wouldn't drag a small child off to some stupid ball. There's no reason to bring a young (and delightfully maniacal, and devilishly handsome, and…) hollow to one._

Every year, Old Man Yamamoto decides that his followers deserve a day off. Technically, not every follower; only important ones are allowed, like lieutenants and captains who have names worth remembering. But either way, when he has this epiphany, he requests that a Gotei 13 ball is thrown, just to celebrate such a cause. Sure, balls were _way_ out of the main steam, but Yamamoto still found them amusing and a great atmosphere – something to remind people like (oh, say, Kenpachi Zaraki) that they were still beings, and not killing machines. Plus, people loved them.

Did I ever mention that I'm not one of those people?

Yumichika went all out this time – even covering the walls in World of the Living Imported velvets, and buying Glade candles to put everywhere he possibly could. The music was calm, and soothing. The clothes were expensive, 'sharp', and uncomfortable. The food was good (if not weird), and polite small talk was made. Guys wanted to get out of there and spend their night at a pub instead. Girls wanted to be asked to dance. I wanted to strangle somebody.

"This is boring," I reminded the King for the millionth time. Not like he'd been listening the first nine-hundred ninety-nine thousand nine-hundred ninety nine times. And just like the first nine-hundred ninety-nine thousand nine-hundred ninety nine times, he pretended that he couldn't hear me. Sighing, I sat back and listened in as he tried to engage someone in conversation.

"_I did not think you would be able to make it, Kurosaki Ichigo."_

That monotone voice sounded like a half-dead zombie math professor. It could've only been one person.

"_I've been spending a lot of time here if you didn't notice, Kuchki Byakya."_

I was right. It was Barrette-Boy, being a snob. What was next? Some comment about his hair being better? Whatever it was, the King was feeling the tension. And he was getting distracted…. I started looking around the sideways buildings, waiting for one of the windows to slide open. So far, Zangetsu had yet to notice, he was too busy standing on top of his bankai form, looking serious.

"_I see." _Was all Byakuya said in return. He was probably fixing his scarf or something like that.

"_Right." _The King's awkwardness was diverting his attention away from me. One of the windows on the houses moved, and I came closer to it, with about ten times more energy than before. _"How's Rukia been doing?"_

"_I find your lack of people skills alarming," _Byakuya droned on. If I hadn't seen a chance coming at me, I would've died of boredom. _"Even when speaking with me, all you can mention is Rukia. Well, as she hasn't been executed, she's doing fine."_

"_Oh." _The King replied, scratching the back of his neck. Thinking something about Barrette-Boy having the worst people skills he'd ever seen, his attention was completely diverted. The building's window popped open. I hopped in.

Byakuya's eyes narrowed slightly – which probably meant he was feeling some emotion. "Have you honestly come to the ball wearing a tie with _that _pattern on it?" He pointed to the red-and-green checked tie the King had picked out. Okay, when I looked down at it, I even wondered whether or not the King was color blind; but there was no reason for Barrette-Boy to be so rude about it. His scarf didn't bring out his eyes anyway. "And you're rather underdressed aren't you? This was supposed to be a masquerade." (Might I add that nobody except him and Yumichika were wearing masks?)

"Oh don't worry, partner," I smiled at him in that creepy Gin Ichimaru way – the way that gives toddlers nightmares, and brings the world molestation to mind. "I've got my mask right here." Before you can say anything, I swear I didn't giggle. I _laughed maniacally. _There's a difference between girls talking about boys and me about to shove a sword down someone's throat. No matter what the King says, I _did not giggle._

Anyway, what happened next can only be summed up in one sentence. His eyes were already wide, which left no more room for him to show any more emotion. So, let me just put it in plain and simple turns:

He dipped.

As he turned and flash-stepped away, you could hear that cartoon _whoosh _of wind, and I even think I saw a Byakya shaped cloud – Wile Coyote style.

"_What was that?" _The King demanded angrily. "_When I get out there, I'm going to kill you!"_

"Oh shut up," I replied calmly. "We're going to liven up the place. They'll be glad I came here, honest." Like I cared what those captains thought – they wore socks and sandals together. (Well, I did too, but it's not like the King would buy me any clothes, not even for my first birthday.)

As the King continued on cursing up a storm (had he no manners? This was a _ball_!) Something caught my eye – a podium with a microphone, designed for announcements. And our host (or hostess, nobody was really sure what to call him) was on his way towards it, ready to ask everyone how _beautiful_ his interior designing was.

"Outta my way!" I pushed the shinigami with the weird eyelashes back, ignoring his squealing cry as he fell into the punch bowl. Oh yeah, his outfit was _ruined. _

I stood up on the podium, waiting patiently until the others realized that one of their guests of honor was wearing a hollow mask. When the crowd realized that someone was up there, they fell silent, more out of confusion than respect.

"I have an announcement for everyone!" I announced as loud as possible. The King was fighting against me, but I thought I could keep him down for a few more seconds. After all, I only needed a short amount of time. "Sosuke Aizen wants you all to know that he never liked any of you losers! He said Yamamoto looks like a raisin, and his lieutenant is still in the closet. He wants to tell Toshiro and Rangiku that the little midget needs to grow two inches-" I paused to look at Hitsugaya's face – he looked ready to kill someone. "And that Matsumoto should know what Gin's been up to in Hueco Mundo – _hey, hey, hey!"_

The lieutenant with the sunglasses (Iba was it?) ran up to me, trying to forcibly remove me from the stage. "Sir, we're going to have to ask you to leave."

Practically holding onto the curtain for support as I was being dragged away, I leaned into the mic and added in one more announcement. "And also he says Mayuri looks like something out of the Lion King, and Byakuya said that Kenpachi looks like a monster!"

With one final tug, sunglasses (joined by Ikkaku and Siyone) managed to throw me off of the stage.

"_What did you think you were doing?" _The King screamed. I laughed out loud, which kind of scared some of the nearby shinigami. They backed into the snack tables, and Marechiyo accidentally tripped over his own feet and fell over onto the table, sending all the appetizers flying in every direction. He then bent down on the floor to pick his cookies up off of the ground.

"What was that you said?" Kenpachi was dangerously close to Byakuya, who was so shocked that his mouth twitched in its permanent frown. He drew his sword dramatically. "We'll settle this the manly way!"

"I can assure you that I did not say such things, but if you insist, I will stoop to your level," the noble replied.

"I AM NOT SHORT!" Toshiro screamed to no one in particular. In his fit of rage, he picked something up and threw it – only to have it slam into the back of Soifon's head.

"You little…!" Soifon hollered, a vein popping in her neck. In _her _fit of rage, she made a move to tackle Toshiro, who quickly drew his sword, ready to freeze her.

Yamamoto brushed off the raisin comment, and stood in the middle of it all, screaming for order. His lieutenant ran off quickly, as Mayuri declared that he'd never experimented on a closet homosexual – and wanted to see what was different with their brain patterns, or if their souls would turn into the same color of mush when worn out.

Rangiku stood there yelling at Momo, wondering if she'd idolized _everyone_ associated with Aizen. Her accusations became so bad, that Momo began to cry, unable to fathom what was going on (she'd been in the bathroom.)

"Gentlemen please," Unohana begged Kenpachi and Byakuya, who had both abandoned their swords and were having a fist-fight worthy of WWF Smackdown. Yachiru skipped over to Senbonzagura, wondering if she could use it herself. She could. As what looked like flower petals soared through the air, Renji, Shuhei, and Izuru ran for their lives, screaming something about demon daisies.

The King continued to struggle against the lieutenants, telling them that he had me under control, and that there was no reason to throw him out of the ball. They refused to listen; instead, they kicked him out of the door and slammed it, as all hell broke loose.

And me? I just sat down in the inner world, laughing at all of the chaos.

"_Are you happy now?" _The King demanded, furious.

"Yeah," I cackled. "I'm ecstatic."

* * *

**EN: Ugh, I didn't like that one. But if you've got any suggestions, feel free to tell me in a review. **


	3. Rule Number Two

**AN: Thanks to the people who bothered reviewing, it means a lot. :]**

* * *

**-III-**

**RULE NUMBER TWO: **_The least you can do is like, imagine up a TV in your subconscious inner world for your hollow to watch or something. Or maybe an umbrella and a CD Player? It's really boring in your inner world – trust me. Maybe if you're nice to your hollow they'll spare that girl you like or something like that._

Things. Get. Slow.

When I'm not causing trouble, this place gets pretty uneventful. Like, when we got back from the Soul Society, I took a nap, and told Zangetsu to wake me up the next morning. By the time I actually woke up from my sleep (hibernation), turns out about a week had passed, and the King was busy with some "Bount" with stupid eyebrows and red eyes. Turns out, because it's so quiet and peaceful when I'm gone, Zangetsu 'forgot' to say anything. (He usually goes on about what the King's doing in battle because he likes the sound of his own voice.)

"Do you have any jacks?" I mumbled, pushing wet hair out of my eyes.

"…" Zangetsu just sat there, and looked up at the rain; completely ignoring the cards I'd so graciously thrown at him and declared his deck. "He's still depressed."

"I asked you a question. Do you have any jacks?"

"The Inoue girl's been trying to cheer him up with no avail."

"_JACKS, PARTNER, JACKS! _The cards with the dude on them! That looks like this!"

"His skill is suffering."

"JACKS! DO YOU HAVE ANY EFFIN JACKS?"

And just like that. It happened.

A little white folded rectangle fell from nowhere, hitting Zangetsu on the head and knocking his rusted self unconscious.

I looked at the deck. "YOU HAD THREE JACKS THIS WHOLE TIME!"

-|-

_So if x to the fourth plus x squared plus six is part of this equation then…_

Ichigo clenched his fists, unable to concentrate. Screw it – the test wasn't worth much, there was really no point to it. He couldn't concentrate – that hollow alert thing was going off every ten seconds, Kon was repeating every sentence out of Katt William's mouth along with his raucous laughter, and Ririn was just talking. (Only it seemed her voice had gotten ten times higher pitched and more annoying.) Not to mention that infernal beeping noise…

Wait…what?

-|-

"What are you doing?" I screamed at the screen. "I said JUMP not crouch! JUMP!" Even screaming at the thing didn't work, the guy refused to jump. Instead, he yelled something about 'getsuga tensho' and completely missed his opponent. "I _hate_ this game! I hate it! I despise it! I curse it!"

"Then why don't you stop playing and go somewhere else?" Zangestu grumbled. It had been only twenty-six minutes, and he was already sick of it. But, I personally think that he was just mad that I beat the game in twenty-six minutes.

"I have to beat it!" I replied. Wasn't it _obvious?_

"Ichigo…" Zangetsu said out of nowhere.

"Yes! I have to beat him for the last battle! Now shut up, I'm concentrating!"

Maybe the words 'beat' 'him' and 'battle' scared the King. Or maybe he just heard my voice and panicked. I wasn't paying attention – otherwise I would've seen the orange tuft flying at me. But I didn't. So I hadn't let my guard down per se, I was just distracted – and that's perfectly excusable.

The King football tackled me to the ground, probably thinking that I had a bomb or something. The little white game machine fell out of my hands.

"What do you want?" The King growled, ready to punch me in the face had I given the wrong answer.

"What are you talking about?" I snapped. "You're the one tackling innocent people!" There was no time to add a 'partner' to the end of that sentence – the time limit on the Point Match battle was running out. "Do you mind?"

"What do you have planned?"

I scratched my head sarcastically. "Well, I was going to invite a few drinking buddies over – _nothing yeh idiot!"_

"Nothing?"

"Nothing! _Baka."_

Finally seeming to believe me, the King let go, and stood up, looking around like a piano was supposed to fall on his head or something. It was then that he saw the little white game thing. "A DS? What's that doing here?"

"I don't know," I grumbled, getting up. "It fell out of your twisted mind or something."

The King flipped it open, frowning at the title. His mouth formed the words _'Bleach?', _but he pressed start nonetheless. "Why does this sound just like you?"

"Because my voice is sexy." I said flatly. "Now give it back."

The King turned away, still pressing buttons. "Hang on a second, I wanna try beating Ganju."

"No, why don't you get your own; and _I'll _beat him?"

"Why don't you wait a second?"

"Why don't you give back the effin game?"

"I told you to wait!" The King snapped, moving back as I tried to get the (I think he called it) DS back. He held it up over his head, still playing the game. And he sucked so badly, it sounded like Ganju was actually winning. Against me. Now that was insulting enough on its own – he had no right to give me a bad name.

Shut up. That wasn't a pun.

"I told you to give it here!"

A fight broke out.

No, more like a brawl.

Zangetsu just blinked at the two of us – wrestling over a DS – and stepped forwards. I punched the King a few times, and he dropped it, but as I reached for it, he kicked me in the stomach. I bit his arm (which did not taste like strawberries in case you're all wondering); and he kicked me in the face; and the rest was a blur.

All I remember now was that I suddenly pushed the King away and ran for the DS. "Where'd it go? I swore it was right there!"

"It probably fell down."

"_NO YOU FOOL! BLOCK!" _Zangetsu's voice came loud and clear.


	4. Rule Number Three

**AN: And we're back! I apologize for forgetting what humor was – the fact that everything in the world (including pudding) most likely has something to do with it.**

**This chapter is from ****ICHIGO'S**** POV**

**-IV-**

**RULE NUMBER THREE: **_I can't believe Zangetsu – you should _cry _when I leave, not sing!_

Ichigo let out a scream of terror, complete with thrashing around and covering his eyes. His ears were bleeding – he was sure of it, and as for what was left of his mental health? Let's just say he was scarred for life. "What…are you _doing?" _He screamed at Zangetsu, who didn't look the least bit embarrassed.

In fact, he looked joyful.

"_Just celebrating!" _The zanpaktou did a small pirouette, and a few skips around in a circle. That morning's breakfast came rushing up Ichigo's throat. _"I've never felt so elated!" _Zangetsu danced around a little bit more humming and singing incoherently to himself.

"_I have never felt so free! High in the sky is the place for me!" _Zangetsu whirled around and grabbed his King's shoulders, spinning him around too.

"_LIVE FREEE! AS FREE AS THE WIND BLOWS! AS FREE AS THE GRASS GROWS – FREE TO FOLLOW YOUR HEEEAAARRT!"_

The shinigami couldn't decide what was more shocking: the fact that Zangetsu apparently knew ballet, or that his voice could go higher than a chipmunk's when he sang.

"W-What are you celebrating?" Ichigo dared to ask, afraid for the happy dance to go any further.

Zangetsu bear-hugged him, and suddenly jumped back, laughing and dancing around like a sugar high child. "_No more! No more 'Eehaahahhahahaaahaahah Gyaahahhahahahhahahaa!' No more horses! No more kings! NO MORE PARTNER!"_ He jumped up and clicked heels Ichigo didn't even know he had.

"…What?"

"_A letter came today_!" Zangetsu skipped around while reaching into some invisible pocket. _"Read it! Read it!_"

**FROM THE DESK OF SOSUKE AIZEN  
(who rox! – Momo H **is scribbled in) **  
**_[Don't even think about it Gin]_

_Dear Parent/Guardian/King/Whatever,_

_As a result of several disastrous events, ______ (To Be Announced), has been placed under solitary confinement and heavy sedation, for the sake of peace. TBA is badly trained, and highly destructive. Frankly, we (being Aizen and myself – Gin thinks every injustice in the world is funny) are disgusted and shocked that you would even let him out in public. I recommend buying a leash or something._

_Not only has he trashed a good half of Hueco Mundo, but he's gotten the Espada into a wild and rebellious state – (Grimmjow used his one arm to pelt me with empty glass bottles and flash inappropriate sign language), and has frankly gotten that Jamie Foxx song I'm not fond of into my head._

_(NO! I refuse to blame it on the booze! Injustice is injustice!)_

_DAMAGED PROPERTY:_

_Several windows: $112.99_

_Nnorita's two left arms: $2000.00_

_Gin's Not-So-Secret Sake Stash: $23.49_

_All the Expenses for two Fraccion's lives: $2.12 (they were weak…)_

_Aizen's Favorite Teacup: $999,929,999,999.99 (it was China, and Aizen likes his tea)_

_Please pick your hell spawn up by later this evening._

---**KANAME TOUSEN (but more importantly SOSUKE AIZEN)**

"All that for a _teacup?" _Ichigo somehow managed to stutter, eyes wide in shock. Zangetsu only laughed out loud and continued to twirl and skip the way a four-year-old girl would.

Zangetsu's ballerina skills were the least of Ichigo's worries.

:-::-:

"Alright," Hitsugaya turned to face the rest of his squad. "Aizen probably has this place prepared for this kind of thing, so be ready at all costs." He flashed a signal to two of his lower seats, who then used their zanpaktou's shikai to blast the doors open.

Instead of an army of Arrancar, the shinigami were greeted to a couple of random, passed out Espada, and one Fraccion who couldn't even walk a straight line, mumbling about never drinking again. And of course, a very red-faced Aizen.

"GET OUT! WE'RE NOT READY YET!" He slammed the doors shut, and Hitsugaya heard about seventeen locks click.

An eerie silence followed that statement.

"Hey…" Izuru stammered. "Where's Matsumoto?"

:-::-:

"Why am I doing work meant for trash?" Ulquoirra Schiffer said coldly. Even though he'd been complaining for about twenty minutes, he still persisted at the task in front of him. "I'm too good for this."

"Shut up," Gin Ichimaru waved him away, smirking in amusement. "My, have you gained weight?"

"I'm stuck!" Rangiku screamed for the ten trillionth time, as Ulquoirra tried with no avail to pull her through the extremely small window Gin had escaped through. "And shut up! I didn't gain any weight! Just help me out here!"

:-::-:

Almost a week later, something occurred to Ichigo as Hitsugaya gave the report of a completely destroyed Hueco Mundo.

'Hey…hollow…' Ichigo felt stupid even thinking it. It was one thing to hear voices in your head; it was another thing to talk to them. Yeah. He was insane.

"_Do you have to think so loudly? I've got a headache you idiot!"_ His hollow was snappier than ever.

'Thanks.'

There was a long pause.

"…_Are you high…?"_

'No.'

"_Drunk…?"_

'No.'

"…_What the freak is wrong with you?"_

'Just forget it.'


End file.
